Consciously Coupling in Bozeman

Alright, so I live with somebody. This is new.

As many of you know, Rob's hung up his hiking shoes for the summer season and is now working in the Wildland office - ha, sucka! Nothing lifts the spirit more than sitting in front of a computer ALL DAY - EVERY DAY! And, while he is still adjusting to the office drudgery (which is what 99% of us do 5 days a week, or more! - man we're so lucky....) I am so grateful that he decided to bite the bullet and dare I say sell-out for the sake of our relationship and, well, his aging knees. Welcome to the real world Rob....now you understand why we covet our 3 week vacations....

But seriously, having a live-in boyfriend (who I get to see every day) has been such a delight. For both of us, it's been a few years since we've cohabitated so suffice to say there was a brief 'adjustment' period here on Olive St. Sure, we've had a few spats and 'misunderstandings' (isn't that the PC term for full-on I want to kill you blowouts??) but overall things are really good. I mean, we backpacked through Asia for 3 months and still liked each other - so how hard could Bozeman be?

WE EAT!

One of the great things about Rob's new job is that he's home almost every evening for din din. At the beginning of June, I enthusiastically took on the role of domestic homemaker - yes, you read that right. The apartment was always clean, the dishes were done and I made a commitment to, wait for it, cook!

Now, before I continue I must state the following disclaimer: I HATE TO COOK. Cooking to me feels like a GIANT waste of time. Because, truth be told I would rather be doing ANYTHING than cook. I know I know, it makes no sense, right? Cooking is relaxing! It's rewarding, it's about bonding.....blah blah I've heard it all and I just, well, don't get it. Sure, millions upon millions of people experience crazy joy from mixing, stirring, swishing, searing, marinating, roasting, baking, broiling, whisking...etc, however , I am NOT one of those people - never have been (I won't say never will be - as per my earlier blog post). I hate to cook because I EAT TO LIVE - I don't LIVE TO EAT. For me, food is merely fuel so I can get on with the rest of my life (or day). So, to take time out to prepare a meal that will be consumed in less than 15 minutes (in some cases 5 minutes when you live by yourself) seems, well, unproductive and futile. So, for the sake of efficiency I chose not to cook.

Quick conversation starter: If money were no object, would you hire a full-time chef to prepare all your meals? (HECK YA! THINK OF THE TIME YOU WOULD GET BACK! ADMIT IT, YOU WOULD DO IT!)

But, since I am now in a relationship with a delightful young gent who sacrificed a job he loves to hang out with me, I too should try and - dare I say - change. Could I learn to cook and more importantly, enjoy it??

So, I started strong. Heck, I love a new challenge - Masterchef Canada here I come!! Every afternoon I would hit the local grocer to grab all the gluten and healthy (aka tasteless) ingredients to prepare a delicious meal from my cooking bible - Gwyneth's It's All Good cookbook. Her book was all the rage last summer, so I figured better late than never to jump on that bandwagon. Oh, and she looks soooo healthy and happy on the cover, so if I eat like her I will also start to look like her too? Right? It's, like, total win win!

After a few successful meals that tasted pretty good (tho, gluten-free fish sticks will NEVER compare to a juicy fatty burger oozing with sharp cheddar cheese!) I was on a roll. Until...I wasn't.

We're now 8 weeks into the Bozeman summer experiment and I while I have tackled the learning part (cooking's really just about adding S&P, EVOO and lemon!), I regret to inform you that Rob has been forced to share (he would say OWN!) the cooking workload. Sorry babe, I tried, I really did. Because, what I have discovered in my 2 months of homemaking goddessness (OMG what an amazing book title!) is that despite how easy it can be, I fundamentally hate to cook. Sigh, change is hard. And sometimes, impossible.

WE SLEEP!

Rob and I can agree on this: we both love sleep. I mean, who doesn’t love to sleep? The warm cozy bed, feather pillows, light duvet and the evening breeze lulling you into sweet dreams…..sigh. As 2 adults without kids, we are lucky in as much as we can sleep generally whenever and for as long as we want to. Save for the responsibilities of his job and horse-back riding schedules, of course.

However, when we like to sleep is an entirely different story. You see, I am a night owl (cue owl noise - coo) and Rob is the quintessential morning person. As you can imagnie, this can make it hard for us to get, or stay, in-sync. A typical day is as follows:

The alarm goes off at 6am. SIX IN THE MORNING! For most of you reading this, I know what you’re thinking, 6am isn’t all that early and I should just shut up and grow up. Sure, I hear ya. If you have kids, six is the typical wake-up time, or with a newborn – a sleep-in even! Hooray for you! Or, maybe you’re one of ‘those’ people who rises in the pre-dawn hours to hit the gym before work, having sweat, changed (twice), showered and picked up your Starbucks all before the opening bell. Yes, I’ve heard about you people and I envy that you. Sadly, I am not wired like that. My brain doesn’t turn on until the afternoon and I do my best work after six in the evening.

So, back to the alarm. On most days, I don’t even hear the gentle iphone tunage because six may as well be the middle of the night for me. But, not Rob. No, he insists on rising at 6am, even if he doesn’t have to be in the office early – or, get this, AT ALL. Because, he is very protective of his morning routine. He likes to rise early, read the paper (and by paper, I mean ESPN.com), enjoy a coffee (or two) and GET THIS, pay his bills??? WHAHAA? I mean, paying bills is a chore at any time of the day, but to do it first thing in the morning – by choice?!!! This perplexes me entirely and also confirms that men are in fact, from an entirely different planet.

Most mornings, I am blissfully unaware of his routine – after all, I am asleep with visions of my horses dancing in my head. He often wakes me to say goodbye, but I can only ever recall 50% of his peek-ins as he heads out the door. $20 says he doesn’t even say goodbye….tee-hee. By the time I get up (at varying times usually after 9am…) he is gone and off to work. So, that’s a typical morning for me – unconsciously coupled. As far as I’m concerned, most mornings my boyfriend doesn’t even exist. Ha!

Fast forward to the PM. Rob usually arrives home in the afternoon or early evening, depending on how busy it is at Wildland’s HQ. After a quick afternoon activity (scroll down for details in WE PLAY!) we get home and begin the oh-so frustrating ‘what are we going to have for dinner’ song and dance.

Rob: What do you feel like tonight?

Ali: I don’t know, I’m easy. (I am easy, I genuinely don’t know what I’m in the mood for – remember, I eat only to live so generally don’t ever have any major cravings...) What are you in the mood for?

Rob: I could eat anything. (note: it must involve meat or it doesn’t count as a meal)

Ali: How about a big salad with lots of veggies!

Rob: Blunt stare. Really? Salad is not a meal. (note, Rob hates most vegetables and generally, anything green. Show him an avocado and he runs away…)

Ali: So you pick. I told you, I’ll eat anything.

Rob: Okay, we’re having hot tamales with rice and beans.

Ali: Ah…well….I don’t actually feel like rice and beans….

Rob: Frustrated sigh. Okay, so what do you feel like????

And we could go on…

People – is it like this in your house too? What is the strategy to avoid this frustrating negotiation? Please share it if you have one! Sure, there are many nights we do agree on a meal – we always align on pasta and anything involving sausages and chicken. Sweet, we’ll eat penne and bratwurst for the rest of our lives…. mmm.

But, more often than not we subject ourselves to this annoying song and dance. God forbid I suggest a weekly menu…no way, Rob hates schedules – he’s more of a fly by the seat of your stomach kinda guy. So, I’ve accepted that a few times a week we’ll battle it out in our own version of the hunger games.

After dinner (we eventually agree, or one of us concedes), we’ll usually hit the Boggle board for an evening showdown (yes, we are such nerds!), catch an episode of ANW (don’t judge, I just discovered it and I am hooked) and at around 10am, it happens. I’m wide awake ready for another round of Boggle. But, nope, Rob’s done – after all, he’s been up since 6am – he reminds me. But NO, I declare. I want to hang out. I want to stay up and chat! Rob, I say, let’s talk about our feeeelings! (I say it as a joke, but it’s also kinda true….teehee)

“There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep”. – Homer (if Rob could go back in time and pen this quote, he would. This my friends, is 9:45pm at our house.)

So, he’s off to bed and will be sleeping (snoring) in 5 minutes flat. So, now we’re consciously coupled - in different rooms. I hope he has visions of big avocados dancing in his head!!! Ha!

WE PLAY!

Another great thing about coupling is that every evening I have a partner-in-crime to play with! Depending on my riding schedule and Rob’s workload, every afternoon /evening we try to make a point to do a fun activity together outside. Boggle foreplay....

At first, we hit the local hiking trails – hard. Bozeman has a series of stunning and mountainous hiking trails that are accessible via a 5 minute drive. So, at 5pm Rob would swing by to grab me and we’d head toward one of the trails along the Bridgers for some evening exercise and fresh air. Not a bad way to spend a Monday, eh!?

And, while Rob enjoys the evening hikes (I know he secretly misses carrying 100lbs on his back and walking 8-10 miles a day for 4 days straight…) his true extra-curricular passion is rock climbing. So, that means that I too need to like rock climbing – right? , Facing a summer of lead-belaying and callused hands, I can’t help but ask: Is loving each other’s interests compulsory in a relationship? (Pardon the SATC-style question…but I had to!)

Let’s explore this, shall we. When you start a new relationship, you do crazy things. It must be all those pheromones….or, better yet, butterflies. Perhaps one of the most crazy things we do is express our love for crazy adventure, similar interests for sports teams (da BEARS!) or other activities that we might have never done before nor would ever want to. (Yes new boyfriend, I think NASCAR is way cool!)

But, instead of being honest about what you really like and don’t like, we play the enthusiastic ‘cool’ girlfriend who LOVES it all! Ladies, please don’t claim you’re above this – because you need to own it – you’re not. I’ve seen a many of you operate under false pretenses…you know who you are. And, while we claim it’s in the spirit of trying new things (yes new boyfriend, I’ve always wanted to be a golfer!) and wanting to spend time with that person who makes your stomach flip, in the end you know the truth. You’re faking it. Ah, the early stages of love makes you do crazy things…..

Well, I too am guilty of this early-relationship deceit. Guilty as charged! After I met Rob, I may have over-emphasized my feelings about for rock-climbing. Sure, I had climbed a few times at summer camp and hit few routes over the past 20 years (which I could count on 2 hands), so when Rob asked, ‘Do you like to rock climb?, I responded with an enthusiastic and emphatic – YES! I LOVE TO CLIMB! I COULD CLIMB ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! I AM A CLIMBING GODDESS! I AM THE STEVE JOBS OF CLIMBING!!! (With no equipment….)

Uh oh, trouble….

So, we arrive in Bozeman and before I’ve even unpacked my car, we’re touring the local outdoor stores in search of my new climbing gear. Harness, check. Shoes, check. Helmet, check. Chalk bag, check. (Man, this hobby I ‘love’ is sure costing me a pretty penny…..hmmm). Alright, now I’m in this…..I’m in deep. Rob meanwhile, is giddy with excitement operating under the (false) assumption that with my new gear, I’ll be ready to rock the routes (yikes, bad pun…) in no time flat. And, before we’ve even reached the car in the parking lot, he’s picked out our summer routes and expressed how pumped he is that his climbing partner is as die-hard as he is. Ahhh, crap.

Well, the good news is that after completing a series of ‘clean’ 5.7s and 5.8s (for reference, a 5.6 involves scurrying up rocks…) I can honestly say I do really enjoy rock-climbing – no more lies. But, will I ever LOVE it, probably not. Sure, I love the feeling of being up 60ft above the ground and feeling ‘secured’ to the rock by just the tips of my toes and fingers. It is exhilarating. And, if you’re ever too inside your head (what am I doing with my life? Will I get a good job? How will I pay the bill? Can I improve my relationship?....), there is honestly no better way quiet your mental nagging than to grab a rock and just go up. In that respect, it is truly the best form of meditation.

So, having fessed up and shared my true feelings for Rob’s true passion, we’re in a good place. I truly enjoy sharing this interest with him because with each new climb comes a new adventure and I enjoy participating in an activity that makes him so happy – and me so scared. (Literally, at 60ft I shake like a leaf…)

So, back to my original question: Is loving each other’s interests’ compulsory in a relationship? Definitely not. But, in my humble opinion, it sure does help. Because, it’s so easy to get caught up (and bogged down) by the mundane of a relationship (so honey, how was your day?) so it helps to share something together (that isn’t leftovers in front of the TV) laugh a little and most importantly, play!

All this to say that coupling with Rob has been one of the best parts of my adventures in Bozeman. And, just I continue to make sense of how I fit into this small town, I am also discovering a lot about cohabitating, Rob's idiosyncracies (note, I have none and believe I am a perfect partner!) and how I too can be a better person for the sake of Rob, our relationship and most importantly, myself.

Thanks so much for reading and check back tomorrow. Cooking up another post this afternoon inspired by my visit to the Gallatin County Fair and/or a recent hike to a Glacier Lake.

Xx

Ali